Isabel has moved from Stockholm to Helsingborg a few months ago and is living a family life in a house, closer to her parents. She seems to genuinely enjoy her everyday life, and shares it with us via her Instagram @boltenstern . She and her boyfriend Alexander have two children together: Ilse, who is two years old, and Otto, who is just over four months old. When she is not on parental leave, she works as a sports reporter and runs the app mammaträning in parallel. She has previously written an incredibly popular book, "Lycka till med resten av livet", which is about her exhaustion and the journey out of it.
Isabel has always shared openly and sincerely about her life, and also about parenthood. She is straightforward, bubbly and funny! She likes to question old truths and stand up for free choice – simply a breath of fresh air that we at Unna believe is useful for many to share.
First (first) time
We'll rewind a bit to talk about the early days with the first child, and later get into how that experience laid the foundation for the experience now with the second child.
Can you tell us a little about the early days, with your first child?
-I remember that from the start there was a lot of focus on stimulation to get milk production going. Well, there was a lot of focus on that! And that was fine, I had planned to breastfeed even though I had heard about and thought it seemed practical to split breastfeed so that you can get better relief. Anyway, I breastfed as instructed, and got a bit of a shock from how much sucking it meant. And how much it could hurt. I got really sore nipples and I remember in the evenings how I sat and cried while Alex pressed my feet so that we would try to divert the pain from the breasts when she was breastfed.
Did you reach a turning point?
-Yes, we had home visits from BVC and I got fantastic support from my nurse. She really saw me, and that I wasn't doing so well, and told me regarding breastfeeding that "maybe you shouldn't be so stubborn". There are other ways that might have worked better for us.
What was it like to hear that?
-An incredible relief! Previous healthcare contacts had all been very clear about the benefits of breastfeeding and wanted it to start at all costs, so it was an eye-opener when the nurse explained that it was more important that I felt good than to breastfeed at all costs. Her modern way of looking at it did me a lot of good.
Would you say this was your biggest challenge as a new mother?
-That was the first challenge anyway. I only felt for a short while that I had failed at something, like with the first bottle, but then after a few nights of more consistent sleep I saw the big picture more and could feel grateful and satisfied that we had solved the problem.
-But my biggest challenge was probably the feelings of loneliness I struggled with. I didn't really have any motherly confidence and became cautious and hesitant about making things up and meeting people. It felt safest to just stay home, but then I ended up alone, which wasn't so good for me.
Were you able to get out of it later?
-Yes, or a saving grace for me was that I wrote openly about what I was experiencing on Instagram. I was met with a lot of recognition and felt a sense of belonging with a lot of other mothers who were perhaps experiencing or had experienced the same thing.
About expectations
We talk a lot about how expectations can control how you experience things. Both your own expectations and expectations from others, and how this really becomes clear in the case of a new mother. If you live up to expectations, it may be easier to feel good, and vice versa if you don't. Isabel is clearly a person who wants to decide for herself, and not just buy into someone else's predetermined plan. She says:
"I wanted to give birth by cesarean section and even then I was 'wrong', so to speak. Then, as soon as the baby was out, it was clear that I was expected to breastfeed, so even though I didn't have a strong opinion that I should breastfeed at all costs, it was kind of charged up. It was so clear that it was expected."
Do you remember what expectations you had before having a child for the first time?
-During my first pregnancy, I was so incredibly focused on the birth that I barely gave a thought to how late it could be when the baby arrived. I really wanted to give birth by cesarean section and had to fight for it the whole pregnancy. Four days before the BF, I got the c-section approved and was able to breathe a sigh of relief .
What was it like to deal with the uncertainty surrounding childbirth?
-Even though I had a good pregnancy, there was still a constant worry simmering, and it felt both humiliating and frustrating not to be heard. It actually took away some of the joy of being pregnant.
Did anything during the baby years go easier than you expected?
-Yes, it was easier than I thought to keep my baby happy. We didn't invent a lot of baby-friendly things, but we noticed that she was happy just being with us. And that she could also be happy in other people's arms.
What advice would you give yourself as a new mother?
-It would be good if you remember to communicate your needs to those closest to you. Otherwise, no one will know what you need, and it will be difficult for someone to help or relieve you. It is also important to communicate even if you don't know exactly how you want something, so that together you can find new ways to do or solve things so that you can have the best possible life.
Besides that advice, what do you think you would have needed during the first time to make that time better?
-I should have seen more possibilities, more alternatives in how to take care of children. It's so easy for a new parent to get the impression that there's only one right way, but that's not the case. There are many right ways!
Is there anything you didn't need?
-I actually thought I was pretty spared, but I certainly didn't need pressure and pointing fingers. I need problem solving!
Was there anything you decided to do differently, or try to have a different approach to, this second time around?
-Yes, the plan this time was to partially breastfeed from the start – entirely because it was such a good solution for us with our first child. Unfortunately, we haven't succeeded in this because he refuses to take a bottle so far.
About sharing responsibility from the start
Isabel and her partner Alexander have shared parental leave in a way that you rarely (never?) hear anyone else do. They have also spoken openly about their clear division, and have really warmly recommended other parents to explore their options for doing something similar.
Tell us about your choices regarding baby time and parental leave !
-We are both self-employed and have neither wanted nor been able to pause our jobs, so we have divided the parental leave every day and continued to work 75% both. After the first month, which I needed to heal from my incisions, we have made it so that one works until lunch while the other takes care of the child and then we switch at lunch. The next day we do the opposite, so that the person who worked in the afternoon the day before now works in the morning. So we have divided every day straight away.
Tell us about the benefits of this division!
-Partly, we parents are both involved in everything, all the developmental leaps, with the child. And partly, we can both keep our businesses running. We also have a greater understanding of each other, that you can be completely exhausted after being with the children or that it is not so easy to come home from a tiring day at work and immediately start cooking. We feel that we have more energy to do things and be at our best, both in our parenting roles and in our roles at work, through this split. You kind of get the best of both worlds!
Why don't more people do this? What reactions do you get when you talk about your choices?
-Many say they are inspired and would like to do something similar, but I think they never actually even explore the possibilities. Of course, not everyone is self-employed and can do their job from home, but surprisingly many still “share” parental leave so that the mother is at home for a year and the father is on parental leave for a couple of months in connection with the holidays, for example. There are other possibilities, you just have to dare to ask your employer if it is possible. Maybe they are more accommodating than you think?
(Image from Isabel's Instagram)
Is there anything that bothers you about parenting?
-Yes, I am bothered by it when some people have the basic attitude that the father cannot take care of the child in the first year. I heard an acquaintance say, "As a father, you can't do anything in the first year anyway!" And furthermore, that people talk about the child being motherly, as if there was no root to the child being motherly. And as if that pattern couldn't be broken by dividing the chores better and letting the father develop his own ways of, for example, comforting, calming, and putting the child to sleep. I understand that it can be difficult with feeding, like now that we have had a taste of one who doesn't take a bottle, but I think that you can do a lot to try to break patterns where the father becomes irresponsible/unhelpful in caring for the child, much earlier.
Children are different
Has it been easier, or has anything been more difficult about becoming a mother for the second time?
-It has been much easier because I have more knowledge about what it means to take care of a child, but it has also become so obvious how different children are! What worked with Ilse does not automatically work with Otto! What has been more difficult this time has been that little brother does not take either a bottle or a pacifier, something we took for granted because big sister did it right away. Of course, it makes things a bit more difficult as we all become more locked in due to the lack of alternatives to feeding.
(Image from Isabel's Instagram)
We at Unna are happy to have had the opportunity to talk to and share Isabel's story! We thank you for that, and for the fact that she also shares both challenges and solutions so transparently in her channels and puts into words what can be difficult, such as exhaustion. Follow her on Instagram @boltenstern and don't miss her training app mammaträning - completely adapted for training during and after pregnancy.
