Whether you breastfeed, pump, or bottle-feed does not define you as a mother. Everyone's situation is different, and all mothers deserve to feel like they are doing the best for their child, whether they breastfeed or not. You might think that whether or not breastfeeding is right should be free from the opinions of others, and something for each individual mother to decide. It's that simple.
But that is far from the case. Instead, it turns out that feeding is one of the most charged topics among parents of young children. Many who cannot breastfeed feel like failures, and many who have chosen not to breastfeed report that they have been met with skepticism and that they have felt a great need to explain and defend themselves. In both cases - whether they have chosen not to breastfeed or wanted to but were unable to breastfeed - the failure to breastfeed is reported to have created feelings of shame and guilt. Below are some excerpts from interviews we at Unna have conducted with mothers on the subject, which we think put into words the stigma surrounding bottle feeding:
"I feel that there is a strong norm that you should breastfeed your baby. It is encouraged and you are met with positive reactions - which can be good. As long as it is not at the expense of those who cannot or do not want to breastfeed - because then they are seen as inferior. It is so tough to be a new parent anyway, no one feels better from being judged"
"..then there's another dimension: I've been completely happy that I didn't breastfeed. I gave it a try but pretty quickly realized that I didn't want to. It was simply too demanding for me. The bottle meant that we could have two parents from the start and I've never grieved or regretted anything, as some people seem to do. But. I'm wary of saying out loud that I am and have been happy with this choice. It's as if it's a bit ugly. As if it would be more okay if I had fought and cried my way through the first six months, desperate to get breastfeeding going, and then grieved that it never really worked out well. So screwed up."
"In my group of friends, there was a strong unwritten rule that you should breastfeed because it was so natural and created such a strong bond through the closeness that breastfeeding meant. I saw breastfeeding as the essence of motherhood and I probably even thought that I would be the kind of person who would breastfeed my child for a long time. This was before I had children. Neither my first pregnancy nor childbirth went as I had imagined. They were disasters. When our daughter Leia was due for an emergency C-section, she needed specialist care and we didn't get home until after a fortnight. My milk production never really got going, and with every attempt at stimulation I got an anxiety attack that I could barely handle. Bottle feeding was the only thing that worked during this initial period, and I've had to reevaluate and accept it. I feel humbled by the fact that anything can happen and you can't control much when it comes to this."
If you want to read a great book about going against norms as a new parent, including by opting out of breastfeeding, read "The Birth of a Parent" by Emilia Bergmark-Jiménez .
