Early days – with Paulina Gunnardo

Paulina originally trained as a childcare worker and then went on to study for a master’s degree in psychology, focusing on attachment and children with attachment trauma. She has experience from working with several children’s rights organizations, in research projects and today she works full time as a freelancer – giving lectures on, among other things, the Convention on the Rights of the Child, child abuse, child development and attachment, and doing projects in children’s rights. She also blogs frequently on Aller Media’s Motherhood website. Furthermore, Paulina is one of the organizers of Birth Inspiration Day, an event for pregnant women that empowers women for pregnancy, birth and the first time with a baby.

We meet Paulina at Pom & Flora on Rörstrandsgatan. It’s half past ten and we all order a second breakfast. Before the meeting, we have briefed Paulina on our concept; that we want to talk openly about her time as a new mother and the challenges she faced. Of course, we want to zoom in a bit on feeding, which takes up a lot of the first time. This is exactly what Paulina wanted and, as she puts it: “by sharing my journey and my choices, maybe I can empower or help others who are currently in a similar situation”.
We at Unna are happy about that!

First (initial) time

Paulina had her first child in 2014, and explains that by now she has dealt with a lot of the early days and can now look at time from a different perspective. But actually, she says, the first time was quite tough and she still remembers so well how some moments felt.

“You have a completely different distance to things only after a couple of years, but then and there it is very difficult to have distance. The baby’s needs and your own needs are now. Feeding, sleeping, your baby’s well-being becomes your whole world”, she says.

-Whatwas your biggest challenge in the early days?
-Fatigue. Definitely. Which, of course, was built up by the failure of breastfeeding. It really started in the maternity ward. Each new staff member that came in gave new advice on grips and positions and how to do it. I became more and more confused. My girl was tired and distressed and on several occasions a midwife bathed my baby with a towel of cold water to wake her up so she could breastfeed. For me, as a new mother, it felt terrible! She slept uneasily and whimpered in her sleep.

-What happened then, when you came home from maternity leave?
-At home, we continued to breastfeed and I did everything I could to make sure we had a good start and that breastfeeding worked. But she slept uneasily and in retrospect I understand that she must have been hungry. At one of the first BVC check-ups, it turned out that she had lost too much weight, more than babies are expected to lose in the early stages. After some time, we finally got in touch with a lactation specialist at Karolinska Hospital in Stockholm.

-Howwas it?
-Fantastically good. The midwife we saw immediately saw what was wrong – my daughter could not take the vacuum grip needed to express the milk. I was treated so well and felt really confident in the woman I met. She was older and experienced and confident in what we could do. It was so nice to have an answer to what we had experienced.

–How nice to have an explanation and that confirmation. What was her recommendation?
-The first thing she did was to get the formula that she gave me to feed my girl. It was such a relief – that she was able to be fed. I remember that she slept well afterwards. Then we made a plan for how we would continue breastfeeding training – because I wanted to breastfeed – and supplement with formula at the same time.

-Whatwas the schedule?
-I remember that at each feeding I would breastfeed for 10-15 minutes on each breast, then bottle feed and then pump. It was quite exhausting. It felt like I was nursing, feeding, stroking and pumping all the time. Even so, the milk was dwindling. I tried to do what I could to make breastfeeding work and keep production going. At the same time, I was so tired. Ah, I really remember how anxious it was.

-Whatwas it that kept you fighting like that?
-I had read that breast milk is the best, and of course I wanted to give my baby the best. So I tried to persevere and follow the plan. But after a few months, I was really falling apart. I hardly had any recovery, because although my daughter was now full thanks to the feedings, she continued to sleep extremely restlessly and wake up frequently. Sleep was so badly disrupted. And once she was asleep, I had trouble sleeping. I remember waking up often to see if she was breathing and waking up myself if she was whimpering. It was so draining both physically and mentally. Physically because of the lack of sleep. I remember a time when I genuinely wondered how many hours of sleep deprivation I was from dying. Psychologically, I was devastated by the feeling that breastfeeding and sleep were not working – and the physical and psychological aspects are of course linked – and then all the uncertainty and sadness of perhaps having to give up the best for my child. I was completely exhausted. Literally and figuratively.

–Did you reach a turning point?
-Yes, I remember so clearly how I sat in bed one night and cried with that pump. Even though I pumped and pumped, only a few drops of milk came out in the end. I was so sad and resigned and tired because it felt like it was over.

–So, the breastfeeding?
-Exactly. But then, as I sat there, I pulled myself together and decided to put this pump away. That all the struggle to breastfeed was over. It was with a sense of sadness but above all relief.

“Jag var helt utpumpad.
Bokstavligen och bildligt.”

–Were you supported in your decision?
-Yes, my husband supported me 100%. He had also seen how things were not working and how I was feeling and had tried to support me. My BVC nurse also provided such great support and understanding. She really supported me and us in that decision. That, and of course time, made me more confident in my decision.

About expectations

Paulina reflects that when she was expecting, she never thought that breastfeeding could be a problem or difficult. She admits that she probably didn’t have very clear expectations at first, but that it would involve breastfeeding and stroller walks and being woken up at night. “My focus during pregnancy was on giving birth, which I initially felt anxious about,” she says.

We talk about this for a while, and how pregnant women with their first child generally find it difficult to think beyond giving birth. It may be difficult to be receptive to the pieces and potential challenges that may come after the baby is born. Understandably so. And it is reasonable to focus on one thing at a time. But it also means that it can come as such a surprise when something doesn’t match the picture you have in mind. Or when it turns out that the early days can be even more challenging than the birth itself, which was thought to be the acid test. So you have certain expectations…

-Wasthere anything that went easier than you expected?
-That would probably be giving birth, actually. And the recovery from it. I was so worried about it before, but it went well and I got great support from my husband and the staff.

Paulina also says that, in retrospect, she feels relieved and grateful that the love for the child came so immediately, which she knows is not always a given. That particular part, becoming a mother to my child, felt natural from the start.

-Whatadvice would you give yourself as a new mother?
-Give yourself time to settle in – you will need time to navigate. Try to be okay with uncertainty. And: there is support and help available.

-Andapart from that advice, what do you think you would have needed during the first period to make that period better?
-“If the threshold had been lower for taking help – and admitting to yourself that you might need support – like now with the care apps available, I would probably have taken help. Above all, I realized that I needed support and help.

Today, Paulina says that she finds herself reached by so much good and inclusive information about the support available to new mothers. The context in which she moves may also help her to be exposed to and come into contact with different destinies, solutions and support. But the problem, as always,” she says, “is that it’s easy to see from the outside when someone needs extra support. When it comes to yourself, it is more difficult. She tells us: “I was studying for a master’s degree in psychology at the time, but seeking support myself was difficult. In addition to professional help, I would probably also have needed more of a village of people who can naturally support me in practical everyday matters and whom I also dare to ask for help. We have far too little of that in our culture today, both being there and having the courage to ask for help.“

-Wasthere anything, in retrospect, that you realize you didn’t need the first time around?
-I didn’t have to buy so many breastfeeding things, haha!

Second child

Paulina gave birth to her second child, also a girl, in 2018. She explains that her pregnancy was a very turbulent and sad time because her mother was seriously ill with cancer and both her mother and her father-in-law passed away while she was pregnant. “I really had way too much to deal with at that time – illness, funerals, everything that happens when a person is about to pass away and has passed away – at a time when I should have been taking it easy. There was no room for that then” she says. Despite these conditions, Paulina says she prepared more for the second child. “I did more exercise and prepared myself for the first period after giving birth.”

“The second time, I was aware and prepared for the fact that breastfeeding might fail again. I also knew myself better and knew, for example, how I might react and feel to lack of sleep.”

-Did you door handle things differently when you became a mother for the second time?
-“Yes, I think in general I was more accepting of myself and gave myself time to settle into all the new things. This time my daughter had an emergency C-section and I had a more difficult physical recovery than with my first child, but I was more confident as a parent.

-How didyou want to do the feeding?
-“I wanted to breastfeed this time as well, but I was very much aware that it is not obvious that it will work. But I felt that it started well. She got the hang of it and I got milk production going. But then, at one of the early BVC checks I was told that she was not gaining enough weight and that her height was also affected. That message triggered everything from my previous experience and I immediately thought: Not again! Not again! This made me feel very strongly and I started feeding some formula alongside breastfeeding to make sure she was gaining weight. It grips you so strongly if your child seems to be hungry and breastfeeding, which is supposed to feed the child, is not working. We did that for a while, but when that didn’t work, I switched completely to a bottle and formula even with her.

-How didit feel?
-I felt much more confident in my decision than the first time. In addition, I had a lot of other things to deal with at the same time, which made me more frantic. Not only did I have a four-year-old to take care of, but my mother, whom I was so close to, had just passed away. And then there are the practical and emotional aspects of the death of a parent. My father died when I was 17, so my siblings and I had an entire parental home, with all that entails, to take care of. Alongside the immense happiness of the children, I was also tired and sad during this time. There were many strong emotions at the same time. But in my role as a mother and in my choices, I felt so much more secure with the second child.

The comparison trap

With a person like Paulina, who has been a mother for quite some time and whose job is to meet and talk to parents, we are curious to hear whether she thinks there is any particular topic in this context that is talked about too much. If there is something that feels stale, irrelevant or even disturbing. She replies that “Yes, in general I think we compare ourselves too much. Too much is simply pure comparison that often makes someone feel uncomfortable or even inferior and inadequate. It can take away a friendly curiosity and often the willingness to share honestly”.

“I’ve felt that I’ve fallen into the comparison trap so many times that I finally lost the desire to share certain things with others. Often there have been comments where I have noticed that there is no understanding of the situation. All sorts of parenting issues can be compared during the years with children, but the issue of feeding babies can be one of the first ones you encounter, because that’s what you’re dealing with in the early days”.

The highs and lows of mammalian life

-What is themost fun part of being a mother?
-I would say: Loving your children as you do, but that is perhaps the most powerful thing. Calmest? It must be to discover the world with my children. Everything from going to the library, being in the forest together, to traveling to new places. That is the most fun.

-What is themost boring part of being a mother?
-To get tired.

–Would you like to have more children?
-No. We are grateful for our two children. In the early days, which were tough, we actually thought about not trying to get more. Now it became a two and I am so indescribably grateful and happy for that! We’ve felt that there may be room for a third child, but it doesn’t have to be a child you carried and gave birth to yourself. We have thoughts of opening up for a third child as a family home or to provide extra support for someone in the future instead. There is room in the heart for that.

Thank you Paulina for an open, honest and warm chat! Paulina’s blog can be found here and if you want to read a post she wrote on the topic of breastfeeding and bottle feeding, you can find it here . She is available and active on Instagram as @paulina_gunnardo.